the in-between space

38 weeks + 3 days. Maternity leave has officially begun! And now, we wait. And wait. And likely wait longer than we'd like... Oh, and also over-analyze every single novel twinge of a symptom. 

Wiggles pending arrival feels both implausible and imminent – I realize these two experiences are contradictory, but as a modern human being, I've evolved to be comfortable with cognitive dissonance. How else could I navigate in this modern world? So, I'm just riding it out. 

Implausible... because, well, is everyone sure that's a baby in my belly? And how on planet earth is it going to get out? Imminent... because Wiggles is clearly running out of space based on the alien-esque movements across my belly and the constant "fanny dagger" jolts every time I move. 

In all seriousness, we're both quite calm about the pending birth process. Perhaps it's denial? Or perhaps because we've wanted it for so long? And we've adequately prepared physically, mentally and emotionally? After everything we endured together last year, I am quite certain we can survive anything. Really and truly. Babies come out one of two ways. I'm in excellent hands at UCSD. And labor doesn't last forever! 

We're continuing to cherish our last moments together as a couple. Simple things – snuggling in bed longer, taking slow walks (or waddles), reading books out loud to one another, making dinner as a team, and binging comedy specials. It's so lovely. 

I've been nostalgic lately, reflecting back on our time together. In our 12 years of marriage, we've been unbelievably fortunate in so many ways. We have a strong foundation of love, respect and trust as we walk into parenthood together. 

Has it been all rainbows and butterflies? Hell no. And anyone who tries to tell you otherwise about marriage is lying. It is tough. It takes work. Compromise. Sacrifice. Inner work. Self-awareness. Course correction. A willingness to communicate. Communicate. And communicate some more. (Scott's favorite part...) A sense of humor. Lightness. Forgiveness. 

I get the sense parenthood will be similar...

Yesterday Scott took some photos of me with all the drugs we needed to make this baby thrive. As many of you know, we struggled through infertility for about 5 years. It was surreal to see the syringes and bottles laid out on the nursery floor (and we didn't even save them all...). It's difficult to properly describe how I felt while sitting amongst all these syringes and empty progesterone bottles. A tender mix of both pride and pain that left me feeling raw and exposed the rest of the day. Simultaneously, I felt deeply and intimately connected to Scott. We endured this arduous journey side by side. He gave me every single one of those injections. I was never, ever alone. 

Scott captured it beautifully, so I'll leave you with his words:

Baby McD, our desire for you will never be questioned. Blood. Sweat. Tears. We've moved mountains to see your face. Any day now...