Making Space
I'm making space for all of it. Good. Bad. Up. Down. Joy. Pain. Happiness. Depression. Anxiety. Acceptance. Sadness. Grief. Hope. Loss. Anticipation. Uncertainty. Beauty.
This week is pregnant with so many different emotions. We are quickly coming up on the one year anniversary of my mama's passing, which this year happens to also fall on Mother's Day. At first, I thought it was shit luck to have her first-anniversary land on actual Mother's Day. But when I brought this up to Dad, he said it was actually quite beautiful. I was a bit taken aback and insulted that he'd see things that way; I mean, how would he know?! He's not a daughter! But after taking the time to digest his perspective, I realize he's right.
First and foremost, she was a mother. Anyone who knew Pauline could tell you that about her – she absolutely relished the role. She'd always wanted to be a mother. Being an orphan, I think she so desperately wanted to create a family unit of her own.
She was a fantastic mother. None of us are perfect, but my momma did her absolute best. In all things in life, she had this powerful presence and force about her. She was fiercely protective, generous with love and adoration, always hugging and kissing (sometimes licking, too...). But she'd also firmly and clearly let you know when you'd crossed the line or disappointed her in some way or another. For me, it typically only took one stern look from her... and I got the message.
I've adored my mother since I was a little girl. I suppose that's the luck of having a momma who loves you so unconditionally that you get the privilege of always feeling secure, loved, and protected. My entire life, I knew my momma would have my back. And she always did. Looking back on different memories over the years, I am eternally grateful to have Pauline as my mother. She helped me navigate this complicated human experience in the most graceful way possible. I wouldn't be the woman I am today without her love and guidance.
I always tried to make mom feel extra special on Mother's Day... ever since I was a little girl. It was important to me that she knew how much I loved her too. I think in my own way, I was trying to show her that my love could match the ferocity at which she loved me. I think she knew it. I hope she knew it. I hope she felt it every single day of her life.
I went numb in the days after her death. As many of you know, I couldn't muster the energy or wherewithal to talk on the phone or engage in any type of conversation. Of the few people I did interact with, it had to be with someone who knew her. I needed that connection; however minor or intangible, to people who actually experienced Pauline in the flesh.
I vaguely remember talking to my Aunt Ollie over the phone after her passing. I don't remember much of the conversation, I was sobbing through most of it, and stuck in that grief-based brain fog, but I do remember her saying, "You were the best daughter any mother could ask for. Your mother knew how much you loved her." I must have replayed those two sentences in my head millions of times in the following days. Ollie's words were my anchor.
So, this Mother's Day, I will be celebrating the beautiful mama I was so damned fortunate to have. Celebrating the love she had for me. The love I had for her. And thinking about the powerful combination of that love being given to Wiggles. And while she's not Earth-side any longer, I know a love that explosive and exponential isn't bound by this physical world. Nana loves Wiggles too.
This week is pregnant with so many different emotions. We are quickly coming up on the one year anniversary of my mama's passing, which this year happens to also fall on Mother's Day. At first, I thought it was shit luck to have her first-anniversary land on actual Mother's Day. But when I brought this up to Dad, he said it was actually quite beautiful. I was a bit taken aback and insulted that he'd see things that way; I mean, how would he know?! He's not a daughter! But after taking the time to digest his perspective, I realize he's right.
First and foremost, she was a mother. Anyone who knew Pauline could tell you that about her – she absolutely relished the role. She'd always wanted to be a mother. Being an orphan, I think she so desperately wanted to create a family unit of her own.
She was a fantastic mother. None of us are perfect, but my momma did her absolute best. In all things in life, she had this powerful presence and force about her. She was fiercely protective, generous with love and adoration, always hugging and kissing (sometimes licking, too...). But she'd also firmly and clearly let you know when you'd crossed the line or disappointed her in some way or another. For me, it typically only took one stern look from her... and I got the message.
I've adored my mother since I was a little girl. I suppose that's the luck of having a momma who loves you so unconditionally that you get the privilege of always feeling secure, loved, and protected. My entire life, I knew my momma would have my back. And she always did. Looking back on different memories over the years, I am eternally grateful to have Pauline as my mother. She helped me navigate this complicated human experience in the most graceful way possible. I wouldn't be the woman I am today without her love and guidance.
I always tried to make mom feel extra special on Mother's Day... ever since I was a little girl. It was important to me that she knew how much I loved her too. I think in my own way, I was trying to show her that my love could match the ferocity at which she loved me. I think she knew it. I hope she knew it. I hope she felt it every single day of her life.
I went numb in the days after her death. As many of you know, I couldn't muster the energy or wherewithal to talk on the phone or engage in any type of conversation. Of the few people I did interact with, it had to be with someone who knew her. I needed that connection; however minor or intangible, to people who actually experienced Pauline in the flesh.
I vaguely remember talking to my Aunt Ollie over the phone after her passing. I don't remember much of the conversation, I was sobbing through most of it, and stuck in that grief-based brain fog, but I do remember her saying, "You were the best daughter any mother could ask for. Your mother knew how much you loved her." I must have replayed those two sentences in my head millions of times in the following days. Ollie's words were my anchor.
So, this Mother's Day, I will be celebrating the beautiful mama I was so damned fortunate to have. Celebrating the love she had for me. The love I had for her. And thinking about the powerful combination of that love being given to Wiggles. And while she's not Earth-side any longer, I know a love that explosive and exponential isn't bound by this physical world. Nana loves Wiggles too.
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| Momma Coady pregnant with ME! (1986) |
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